Being a woman

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"I (...) consider being female such a unique gift, such a sacred joy, in ways that run so deep I can't articulate them.  It's a special kind of privilege to be born into the body you wanted, to embrace the essence of your gender even as you recognize what you are up against.  Even as you seek to redefine it." Not That Kind of Girl, Lena Dunham, pg 131

I have always loved being female, even as a young girl.  I like dressing up in pretty things when I want to.  I take pride in being a fierce, outspoken woman in a world that prefers women be meek and silent.  I'm thrilled to have been born female and to identify as female.  But it comes with its inherent challenges - challenges that, unless you are a woman, you may have no idea even exist.  Allow me to illuminate some of these things.

Being a woman means:

knowing right off the bat a lot of men will have absolutely no interest in reading this;

being sexualized before even knowing what that means;

never being "enough" - thin enough, pretty enough, natural enough, sweet enough, sexual enough, chaste enough, feminine enough, ambitious enough, independent enough, a good enough mother...

being taught to dread fine lines and grey hair because it means your social value and attractiveness as a woman is in decline;

society seeing your sexuality as amusing and/or grotesque past a certain age;

having to constantly explain why you don't want to have kids;

having to constantly explain why you choose to raise your kids the way you do;

realizing you are a woman when men start giving you (often unwanted) attention:
      "The group of women was racially and economically diverse, but (...) (a)lmost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them.  'I was walking home from ballet and a guy in a car yelled, "Lick me!"'  'I was babysitting my younger cousins when a guy drove by and yelled, "Nice ass."'  There were pretty much zero examples like 'I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.'"  Bossypants, Tina Fey, pg 15

somehow always being in competition with other women, even though we all face similar misogynist barriers and should be working together to break them down instead of trying to break each other down;

having different feminist issues depending on ethnicity, socieoeconomic standing, gender identity, ability, and other factors that contribute to the concept of intersectionality;

learning to recognize when another woman is trapped in an unwanted situation (on the street, in a bar...) but being afraid to intervene;

having to vie for space while also apologizing for taking that space;

being told to smile by strange men, as if this is something we owe them simply for being a woman in a public space;

being able to recognize the exact moment a man decides he's going to impose himself upon you, and learning how to brace yourself for it;

knowing how to politely turn a man down;

being called a bitch for politely turning a man down;

learning how to avoid confrontation instead of telling someone who is in your space to fuck off;

being called a slut, a tease and a prude - depending on men's and/or society's expectations of you at any given time;

being expected to be available for sex when a man wants it, but not allowing yourself to seem like you want sex too much, for fear of being labeled easy;

not reporting a rape because you're ashamed that it happened and you know the justice system will only capitalize on that shame;

knowing that speaking out about women's issues could bring about cruel, misogynist trolling and get you simplistically labeled a man-hater;

having your insecurities used as a marketing tool;

being uncomfortable in various situations without being able to pinpoint why;

having men talk over you, especially to other men;

having to regulate your emotions for fear of being labeled "too emotional" or "crazy";

struggling to redefine what femininity is to you, or what you want it to be;

feeling guilt and shame for failing to do enough to avoid being a victim of harassment;

having the responsibility of sexual health and birth control put on you by society while having to pay a ridiculous amount of money for it;

receiving unsolicited comments about your appearance or eating habits from strangers and loved ones alike;

not necessarily being taught how to love yourself and then being vilified and slut-shamed for making "poor decisions" in an attempt to seek validation;

exercising to better yourself in the eyes of society and having people judge you for being overweight while doing it;

being responsible for regulating men's responses to you;

feeling shame and embarrassment about perfectly natural things like menstruation, post-natal depression and miscarriage;

constantly bargaining with yourself about what you should and should not eat, and feeling the need to justify these things to yourself and others - constantly trying to convince yourself you've "earned" that piece of cake or extra slice of pizza but feeling guilty about it anyway;

knowing what it feels like to have a strange man rub his erection on you in a crowded bar or after a date and feeling shame that you said nothing about it because you didn't want to make a scene...

being expected to stand up for yourself in some situations, but being seen negatively for doing so in other situations;

knowing that when you say "no" it still may not be taken as "no";

being labeled crazy and demanding for being honest about what you want, what you need, what you expect;

being shamed for breastfeeding in public;

being told you're still really hot "for a mom";

being condescended to when showing emotion, as if our tears or anger are cute but inconvenient;

learning that beauty and compliance are the rent you are expected to pay for inhabiting a female body;

being told as a child "boys will be boys" when they hit you, pull your hair and throw sand in your face... then, as an adult, being expected to ward off abusive men - "Why didn't you leave?  What did you do to stop it?"

being blamed for your own rape;

being told you're getting too angry during a conversation about equal rights and your experience of injustice as a woman, injustice you've experienced your entire life (why wouldn't a person be mad about these things?)

going head-to-head with a misinformed man about feminism and equality and having him belittle and deny your experience, even though you a) have lived the experience as a woman and b) (in my case) have formal education on the subjects of gender studies, gender history, and feminist issues;

knowing some men will read all of this and still refuse to get it.