Before we get into it, I
want to clarify that I don't hate men. I love men. I love the company
of men. I love discussing with men the distinctive point of view and
separate reality women have from men – if they're open to it. But too many of you aren't open to it. Some of you get downright irate when a woman's experience is brought up. So this is a letter to address those men in particular.
I understand that no one likes to be attacked or accused. However, we must all be aware that the world in which we live was set up by and for white men, and therefore it's important to acknowledge that a person benefits most from having been born a white male, regardless of not having had any choice in the matter. I'm not blaming you for being a white man.
But reacting with anger and defensiveness when someone points this
privilege out is not helping to solve any problems. As a white person, I
do not feel anger when talked to about white privilege (actually, I do
feel anger – at the injustices faced by those of lesser privilege). But
I also do not let myself feel personal guilt for having been born
white, as that isn't helpful either and would be entirely missing the
point by taking the issue and making it about me and my "discomfort," thereby skirting around the real problem and further invalidating a marginalized person's experience.
I
don't feel guilty because I'm doing my best to maintain awareness of my
privilege and use it to fight alongside the people who need to work
much harder in order to experience the things the most privileged among
us take for granted. So while you may not have contributed directly to
the problem of patriarchy
you certainly have benefited from it, and denying this fact and getting
angry when someone points it out means you are absolutely contributing
to the problem. This is what gets third-wave feminists like myself
riled up – it’s not that you're a man: it's that you're a willfully
ignorant man who clearly doesn't give a damn about the people around
you.
You
don't understand what women are bitching about because you've never
experienced the things that make women feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and
ashamed.
Maybe you've witnessed a couple incidents of sexism but thought they
were no big deal, because, hey, it was only a couple of times, right?
But it’s not only a couple of times and it is a big deal; sexist,
misogynist shit happens all the time and
just because you don't see it or don’t believe it does not negate this
fact. It isn't just a matter of a few jerks acting like they ain't got
no mommas. This is something else I need you to understand: it's not you, it's the system. True third-wave feminists are not out to attack individual men; we are attacking the patriarchal systems that form the foundation of our society which allow and encourage men to behave reprehensibly toward women.
And
by the way, patriarchy hurts men too. Why do you think some men feel
the need to act so macho? Why do you think men aren't supposed to cry?
Why do you think men are much more likely than women to commit suicide? Men's issues and women's issues stem from the very same thing
– this is what third-wave feminism addresses. We don't think you're
all misogynist pigs who are incapable of controlling yourselves around
women; we hold you to a much higher standard than that. We're on your
side too.
So please, when a woman attempts to engage you in a conversation about feminism, don't get angry and don't get defensive. If you believe
in equality for all, you will instead find it within yourself to accept
your power of privilege and use that power to help women in their fight
for equality. We don't hate you – we need you. When it comes to
dismantling such intrinsic, damaging attitudes and social mores, we need
all the help we can get. Feminism demands equality for everyone, which means we need everyone on board.
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