Normally I would have done a post about my experience with mental health on January 30, but at that time I was actually struggling with my own mental health and didn't have the energy to talk about it. I'm now coming through this most recent bout of higher-than-usual anxiety, and have some new thoughts to share.
This latest upswing in anxiety seemingly came out of nowhere (as it sometimes does), and intersected with some personal life shit that hit me harder than I expected. But something about the way I handled it was different this time: I leaned into it. I knew I was feeling elevated, I knew it was affecting my moods and energy, and - as usual, thankfully - I knew it was only temporary and I would feel more emotionally and mentally stable again eventually. So I allowed myself to sit in it. I nurtured myself by keeping up with my regular exercise regime, and started adding even more healthful choices to my diet (I'm on the probiotics train, y'all! Tempeh and kombucha FTW!) I allowed myself to feel low without questioning my moods or berating myself for feeling them. I forgave myself for not having the energy to be present and pleasant every day. At the end of every day I told myself "You did great today. You're doing great." I'm really proud of myself for the way I coped, even while I felt like I wasn't coping very well. Simply using the little energy I had to get through the day was a significant accomplishment. I did great.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am so grateful that my own struggles with mental health aren't so severe that I'm totally unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I always know the light is there, and I always know I'll reach it. I know that anxiety does not define who I am, and that while it affects my personality negatively on my most difficult days (making me a more difficult person), I know who I am on my best days and I know I like that person.
And it really helps having a host of people who love and support me. During this most recent anxiety cloud, I talked to coworkers, some of whom shared their own struggles. I had people reach out in a thoughtful but not overbearing or pitying way. I asked for supportive resources. I set boundaries. I let people know where I was at and I got caring, genuine support and understanding in return. It's ok to ask for what you need - if you have the right people around you, you will receive it.
That all being said, I would encourage everyone to take a look at how their own struggles with mental health may affect their behaviour toward others. Sometimes we're feeling shitty, sometimes we're feeling elevated, sometimes we are SO FUCKING OVER IT and it's hard to even deal with other people. Something I've really worked on myself is how not to let my own struggles and my own neuroses too deeply affect the people around me. It isn't their fault I'm feeling shitty, and it isn't their responsibility to tip-toe around me or accommodate my bad mood. There are so many people who don't realize how their disordered behaviour affects others, and while a person certainly can't be blamed for their own mental state and what they might say or do while in a difficult mental state, I think we can at least take responsibility for ourselves and acknowledge when we're not at our best. Our mental health challenges are not our personalities, but they also don't give us carte blanche to be an unabashed asshole to those who love us.
And finally, if there are people around you who, for whatever reason, only exacerbate your own struggles, it's ok to extricate yourself from them. It's ok to avoid people who may harm more than help, for whatever reason. It's ok to avoid people altogether, if that's what you need!
And it's totally ok if you don't know yet the best ways for you to cope. It's different for everyone. But keep working at it, and do take care.
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