The problem with porn

I had a friend request I write something about porn, so here it is, you perv ;)
Before we start, I want to make it very clear that I hold no judgment when it comes to a person's sexual tastes, preferences, fetishes, whatever they use to get off, as long as it's between consenting adults. You're into what you're into - it's cool, it's natural (and most importantly, it's no one's business but your own).
This is a conversation about pornography and its larger consequences on human sexuality and humanity in general.

I've had several discussions recently about the damage that porn can inflict on a person's expectations of sex, and I've read and heard people's (albeit rather extreme) stories about becoming so dependent on porn that they can no longer engage in normal human sexual interaction (ie. real people just don't do it for them anymore).  This comes from the addict's need for increasingly extreme measures in order to satisfy their addiction.  After all, a porn addiction presumably works the same way as any other addiction, although there is some disagreement among researchers as to whether a person can actually get addicted to porn or sex.  Considering our brains react similarly to sex as they do to certain drugs and other things we use to satisfy whatever need we have (with the release of oxytocin and endorphins, for example), I don't see why porn addiction isn't yet considered concrete fact by the scientific community, but I'm not a scientist so...
Anecdotally, though, these things happen, and if an addiction to porn starts affecting a person's real sex life and relationships, obviously this is a problem.  Since the scientific jury seems to be out on whether or not this is a legitimate affliction, I won't go any further into this.

My main area of concern is the effect that modern day pornography has on men's expectations surrounding sex, resulting from mainstream porn's misogynist representation of women and their sexual roles, and our bizarre, learned inability - and sometimes downright refusal - to talk about sex in order to try to combat (or preferably prevent) the resulting issues.  The concern here is whether porn gives men unrealistic expectations about sex, women, and what they are entitled to (which, to be clear, is nothing.  No one is entitled to anything, ever, especially when it comes to sex.)  Too many young men are watching pornography and developing skewed attitudes about what constitutes a healthy, consensual sexual relationship - or better phrasing might be that they aren't learning to seek a healthy, consensual sexual relationship; they then bring these attitudes into their relationships and their wider dealings with and attitudes toward women throughout their lives.

But what about women?  Women obviously watch porn too, so why am I assuming that this type of attitude and behaviour can only be seen in men?  Because heteronormative sex has always been something that men *do to* women.  Men are the givers, women are the takers.  As such, men have the position of power, and most pornography enforces this.  (We're now seeing an uptick in women reclaiming their sexuality and demanding their own power, which is awesome and necessary, but this, like everything else in a feminist's fight for equality, is happening in response to the patriarchal setup we've endured for centuries.)

I'm convinced that pornography can and does contribute to men's sense of entitlement toward women and sex - in recent years we've seen some young men go so far as to attack and/or kill the young women who had previously turned them down, as if a woman's attention or consent is something they are owed as men.  (Normally I would provide examples of the things I am claiming in order to back up such claims, but I'm not interested in giving such disgusting examples of human sludge any more publicity by sharing their names or stories any more specifically - we've all seen the news.  Men kill women for not accepting a proposal.  Men kill women for not fucking them.  And we're not even talking about what happens in other countries - this shit happens in North America.  This is not a controversial claim - it is fact.)  Where do men learn this attitude and behaviour?!

These are extreme examples, of course, and I'm not saying that young men are patently unable to decipher the difference between what they see in pornography and how they are expected to behave in real life (hint: with decency and respect, my dudes).  But some men obviously aren't able to do this.  And this is where our inability to talk openly about sex comes in.  For some reason, sexuality is the pinnacle of awkward conversation.  We don't want to talk to our kids about sex, so we don't talk to them about porn, consent, and sexual expectations.  If we got over this and were able to talk about sex the same way we talk about drug use, as a preventative measure, perhaps things would be different.  If we focused more on teaching young men how to behave properly toward women, for example, we wouldn't need to teach young women how to guard themselves against unwanted male attention (as it is, the onus is still on women to somehow regulate how men behave toward them, which is assbackward and fucking ridiculous.)  We need to change the conversation.  We need to have the conversation.

Guess what: your kids have sex, and they like it, just like you do. (Of course, I'm talking about those who do not identify as asexual.)  Get over it.  Our inability to talk about sex is perhaps the most damaging part of this issue.  Because it's not porn's fault that some people aren't able to see the difference between fiction and reality.  It's ours.  Behaviour is learned, and we must accept responsibility for the types of people we are bringing into the world.
This is similar to the discussion about violence in movies and video games - I used to believe these things couldn't possibly have an influence on young people, that video games surely couldn't contribute to a person's decision to shoot up a school, but I now believe otherwise.  However, I also believe that if a child has adults in their life who are discussing things with them in an open and honest way, people who can sit down with a child and say "You know this isn't how it is in real life, right?  Here are the reasons this behaviour is unacceptable," we would have more young people being brought up to think critically and who are able to recognize fact from fiction.

Because porn is fiction, the same way the perfection we see in magazines in fiction.  We are now finally starting to really call out the media and the beauty industry on their impossible standards and the damage inflicted on young girls' and women's self-value.  We need to engage in the same conversation about pornography.

Speaking of fiction, this brings me to another problem I have with porn: it basically makes a caricature of sex.  The positions you see being used in pornography (that the women just seem to loooove) are not necessarily positions people are going to enjoy in real life.  You have to remember: everything that is being done in a porno is being done for the camera; NOT for real life pleasure!  What looks good for us to watch may not actually feel as good as it seems - the people we see on screen are actors!  But often, what happens is young men try to replicate what they see in porn, with the misguided assumption that what they see done in porn is how they should perform in real life, or perhaps in order to assert themselves as manly, dominant, and desirable.  Come on ladies, we've all experienced this, no?!  The male posturing during sex, the insincere vocal and facial contributions that make you realize you're sleeping with a caricature instead of an authentic human being.  The focus becomes more on performance and less on being present with and honouring the person you're with.  Very unsexy, and very unsatisfying.  If we did away with this type of porn-influenced posturing, perhaps we'd be having better sex (especially women!)

I talk a lot about how women are affected by society's standards and expectations, but men are victims of the same things.  While women are still expected to be submissive, demure, supportive and attractive, society demands that men be virile, manly, and powerful; again, this expectation of "manliness" is something we see enforced in pornography.  The man is the dominant partner, the fuck-er to the woman's fuck-ee.  (On a side note, this is also why male homosexual couples often get asked who "the man" is in their relationship; society has set up this unnecessary yet conveniently heteronormative dichotomy in order to affirm set gender roles... but this is a discussion for another day).  These implicit roles can undoubtedly seep into a young man's consciousness, carrying with them the very damaging implication that young men must act the way they see men acting in porn in order to be powerful and sexy.

As Lena Dunham comments in her book "Not That Kind of Girl": "Between porn and studio romantic comedies, we get the message loud and clear that we are doing it all wrong.  Our bedsheets aren't right.  Our moves aren't right.  Our bodies aren't right."  Of course men are going to look for guidance about how to "do it right."  Women have shitty magazines like Cosmo to tell them what to do (which is also bullshit, obviously).  Men have porn.  We're all insecure, to a degree, and we all seek validation.  But pornography should not be treated as a learning tool.  We need to normalize the discussion of sex.  We need to demystify.  Our squeamishness and embarrassment about this very natural, human thing only isolate us, not to mention those who may need a bit more guidance; in the most extreme cases, this leads to the upbringing of pathetic, entitled pieces of man-shit.  The solution here is the same for women as it is for men: teach young people to value themselves, to ignore what society is telling them they should be doing.  Teach them that they are good enough, that everyone is good enough and everyone is worthy of respect (and of a satisfying sex life!)

Have whatever kind of sex you want.  Partake in whatever sexual activity makes you happy.  Talk about it!  But for heaven's sake, be respectful.  Acknowledge your partner as another human being and meet them on that level.
As human beings we are constantly acquiring knowledge, and our young people can either acquire knowledge about sex from (hopefully) healthy, informed, sexually enlightened adults, or from the geniuses who created Two Girls, One Cup.
You decide.