I had a friend request I write something about porn, so here it is, you perv ;)
Before
we start, I want to make it very clear that I hold no judgment when it
comes to a person's sexual tastes, preferences, fetishes, whatever they
use to get off, as long as it's between consenting adults. You're into
what you're into - it's cool, it's natural (and most importantly, it's no one's business but your own).
This is a conversation about pornography and its larger consequences on human sexuality and humanity in general.
I've
had several discussions recently about the damage that porn can inflict
on a person's expectations of sex, and I've read and heard people's
(albeit rather extreme) stories about becoming so dependent on porn that
they can no longer engage in normal human sexual interaction (ie. real
people just don't do it for them anymore). This comes from the addict's
need for increasingly extreme measures in order to satisfy their
addiction. After all, a porn addiction presumably works the same way as
any other addiction, although there is some disagreement among
researchers as to whether a person can actually get addicted to porn or
sex. Considering our brains react similarly to sex as they do to
certain drugs and other things we use to satisfy whatever need we have
(with the release of oxytocin and endorphins, for example), I don't see
why porn addiction isn't yet considered concrete fact by the scientific
community, but I'm not a scientist so...
Anecdotally, though,
these things happen, and if an addiction to porn starts affecting a
person's real sex life and relationships, obviously this is a problem.
Since the scientific jury seems to be out on whether or not this is a
legitimate affliction, I won't go any further into this.
My
main area of concern is the effect that modern day pornography has on
men's expectations surrounding sex, resulting from mainstream porn's
misogynist representation of women and their sexual roles, and our
bizarre, learned inability - and sometimes downright refusal - to talk
about sex in order to try to combat (or preferably prevent) the
resulting issues. The concern here is whether porn gives men
unrealistic expectations about sex, women, and what they are entitled to
(which, to be clear, is nothing. No one is entitled to anything, ever, especially when it comes to sex.)
Too many young men are watching pornography and developing skewed
attitudes about what constitutes a healthy, consensual sexual
relationship - or better phrasing might be that they aren't learning to seek a healthy, consensual sexual relationship;
they then bring these attitudes into their relationships and their
wider dealings with and attitudes toward women throughout their lives.
But what about women? Women obviously watch porn too, so why am I assuming
that this type of attitude and behaviour can only be seen in men? Because heteronormative sex has always been something that men *do to* women.
Men are the givers, women are the takers. As such, men have the
position of power, and most pornography enforces this. (We're now
seeing an uptick in women reclaiming their sexuality and demanding their
own power, which is awesome and necessary, but this, like everything
else in a feminist's fight for equality, is happening in response to the patriarchal setup we've endured for centuries.)
I'm convinced that pornography can and does contribute to men's sense of entitlement toward women and sex
- in recent years we've seen some young men go so far as to attack
and/or kill the young women who had previously turned them down, as if a
woman's attention or consent is something they are owed as men.
(Normally I would provide examples of the things I am claiming in order
to back up such claims, but I'm not interested in giving such disgusting
examples of human sludge any more publicity by sharing their names or
stories any more specifically - we've all seen the news. Men kill women
for not accepting a proposal. Men kill women for not fucking them.
And we're not even talking about what happens in other countries - this
shit happens in North America. This is not a controversial claim - it is fact.) Where do men learn this attitude and behaviour?!
These
are extreme examples, of course, and I'm not saying that young men are
patently unable to decipher the difference between what they see in
pornography and how they are expected to behave in real life (hint: with decency and respect,
my dudes). But some men obviously aren't able to do this. And this is
where our inability to talk openly about sex comes in. For some
reason, sexuality is the pinnacle of awkward conversation. We don't
want to talk to our kids about sex, so we don't talk to them about porn,
consent, and sexual expectations. If we got over this and were able to
talk about sex the
same way we talk about drug use, as a preventative measure, perhaps
things would be different. If we focused more on teaching young men how
to behave properly toward women, for example, we wouldn't need to teach
young women how to guard themselves against unwanted male attention (as
it is, the onus is still on women to somehow regulate how men behave
toward them, which is assbackward and fucking ridiculous.) We need to
change the conversation. We need to have the conversation.
Guess what: your kids have sex, and they like it, just like you do. (Of
course, I'm talking about those who do not identify as asexual.) Get over
it. Our inability to talk about sex is perhaps the most damaging part of this issue.
Because it's not porn's fault that some people aren't able to see the
difference between fiction and reality. It's ours. Behaviour is
learned, and we must accept responsibility for the types of people we
are bringing into the world.
This is similar to
the discussion about violence in movies and video games - I used to
believe these things couldn't possibly have an influence on young
people, that video games surely couldn't contribute to a person's
decision to shoot up a school, but I now
believe otherwise. However, I also believe that if a child has adults
in their life who are discussing things with them in an open and honest
way, people who can sit down with a child and say "You know this isn't
how it is in real life, right? Here are the reasons this behaviour is
unacceptable," we would have more young people being brought up to think
critically and who are able to recognize fact from fiction.
Because
porn is fiction, the same way the perfection we see in magazines in
fiction. We are now finally starting to really call out the media and
the beauty industry on their impossible standards and the damage
inflicted on young girls' and women's self-value. We need to engage in
the same conversation about pornography.
Speaking of
fiction, this brings me to another problem I have with porn: it
basically makes a caricature of sex. The positions you see being used
in pornography (that the women just seem to loooove) are not necessarily
positions people are going to enjoy in real life. You have to
remember: everything that is being done in a porno is being done for the
camera; NOT for real life pleasure! What looks good for us to watch
may not actually feel as good as it seems - the people we see on screen
are actors! But often, what happens is young men try to replicate what
they see in porn, with the misguided assumption that what they see done
in porn is how they should perform in real life, or perhaps in order to
assert
themselves as manly, dominant, and desirable. Come on ladies, we've all
experienced this, no?! The male posturing during sex, the insincere
vocal and facial contributions that make you realize you're sleeping
with a caricature instead of an authentic human being. The focus
becomes more on performance and less on being present with and honouring
the
person you're with. Very unsexy, and very unsatisfying. If we did away
with this type of porn-influenced posturing, perhaps we'd be having
better sex (especially women!)
I talk a lot about how
women are affected by society's standards and expectations, but men are
victims of the same things. While women are still expected to be
submissive, demure, supportive and attractive, society demands that men
be virile, manly, and powerful; again, this expectation of "manliness"
is something we see enforced in pornography. The man is the dominant
partner, the fuck-er to the woman's fuck-ee. (On a side note, this is
also why male homosexual couples often get asked who "the man" is in
their relationship; society has set up this unnecessary yet conveniently
heteronormative dichotomy in order to affirm set gender roles... but
this is a discussion for another day). These implicit roles can
undoubtedly seep into a young man's consciousness, carrying with them
the very damaging implication that young men must act the way they see
men acting in porn in order to be powerful and sexy.
As Lena Dunham comments in her book "Not That Kind of Girl": "Between porn and studio romantic comedies, we get the message loud and
clear that we are doing it all wrong. Our bedsheets aren't right. Our
moves aren't right. Our bodies aren't right." Of course men are
going to look for guidance about how to "do it right." Women have
shitty magazines like Cosmo to tell them what to do (which is also
bullshit, obviously). Men have porn. We're all insecure, to a degree,
and we all seek validation. But pornography should not be treated as a
learning tool. We need to normalize the discussion of sex. We need to
demystify. Our squeamishness and embarrassment about this very natural,
human thing only isolate us, not to mention those who may need a bit
more guidance; in the most extreme cases, this leads to the upbringing
of pathetic, entitled pieces of man-shit. The solution here is the same
for women as it is for men: teach young people to value themselves, to
ignore what society is telling them they should be doing. Teach them
that they are good enough, that everyone is good enough and everyone is
worthy of respect (and of a satisfying sex life!)
Have
whatever kind of sex you want. Partake in whatever sexual activity
makes you happy. Talk about it! But for heaven's sake, be respectful.
Acknowledge your partner as another human being and meet them on that
level.
As human beings we are constantly acquiring knowledge, and
our young people can either acquire knowledge about sex from (hopefully)
healthy, informed, sexually enlightened adults, or from the geniuses
who created Two Girls, One Cup.
You decide.
