I grew up around a lot of boys. Throughout my life I've had a lot of close groups of friends, most of which were comprised of guys. I had girlfriends, of course, but I always felt more free and secure around my guy friends. My girl groups were catty and mean, gossipy and dysfunctional - I once literally locked a girlfriend in a locker because she was the smallest one of us and I thought it would be funny. It wasn't. It was an awful, stereotypical high school brat thing to do and I'll never forget my poor, scared friend genuinely begging to be let out. (I doubt she will ever read this, but if she does: I'm so sorry, Laura - for everything.)
I've always said I don't really like women, and that I much prefer the company of men, or of other women who prefer the company of men. Men are much more easygoing and fun - they can make and take jokes without anyone's feelings getting hurt. They can have it out with each other and then move on. They have little to no interest in malicious gossip, and they don't hold grudges. (Of course, these are all my own outside observations as a woman and could be completely wrong).
Women, on the other hand, absolutely relish talking behind each other's backs. It's a sadistic feeling of satisfaction, airing other people's dirty laundry, and I've seen this tendency follow women (myself included) into adulthood.
Fancying myself a strong, free-thinking woman who loves giving the finger to forced expectations (and who generally just hates being told what to do), I've also always held particular disdain for women who feel the need to dress themselves up, cake themselves in makeup and engage in pretty girl posturing. "Why do these girls allow society to dictate how they present themselves? Do they have no self-respect?"
What I've realized lately is that my self-righteous judgment of women is the absolute opposite of helpful, and is only perpetuating the girl-on-girl hate that is the antithesis of feminism and detrimental to our fight for equality. It's also completely hypocritical, considering I am guilty of many of the same things I roll my eyes at other women for, not to mention the fact that I know that everyone's behaviour comes from somewhere, and this kind of female behaviour undoubtedly comes from female-specific insecurity. And if I really believe that we are all just products of our upbringing and socialization (which I absolutely do), then I can't fault women for their insecurity and resulting unconscious attempts to adhere to strict patriarchal standards; after all, we're all operating under the same patriarchal framework and doing the best we can within it. In fact, my own rigid expectations and what I was willing to put up with in regards to women are not much different than those patriarchal expectations imposed upon women - can't we all just let women do what they want without judging them?!
Of course women are going to feel the need to be the sweet, pretty things society expects them to be - how are they to blame for that? How is it my place to roll my eyes at them, simply because I have some misguided, self-righteous idea of myself as a more enlightened version of woman? I can't adhere to this assertion of myself while still viewing other women as mindless, compliant sheep.
My scorn of women's competitiveness toward other women is in direct opposition to my knowledge as a feminist that women are socialized to be competitive toward one another. There is so much pressure placed on women to be perfect examples of socially-prescribed femininity, to bag a man before becoming sexually obsolete and perform the expected wifely and motherly duties. Of course we're going to eye each other with suspicion, sizing each other up to decide whether other women, who face the very same struggles in the very same patriarchal, misogynist society, are a threat to us.
But we need to stop. Because perpetrating girl-on-girl hate is only working for patriarchy and helping misogyny; if women hate and disrespect themselves, and women hate and disrespect each other, why shouldn't men hate and disrespect women?
Young girls are mean and catty to each other because they are learning how it feels to be insecure, and putting each other down makes them feel temporarily powerful. Women and mothers are judgmental toward each other because they are under constant pressure to adhere to strict expectations. The thing is, we are not the ones pressuring ourselves or each other; we are simply reacting to a society that does this to us. We are aiming our arrows in the wrong direction; rather than attack each other, we must band together to attack the things that pit us against each other.
I will no longer look at another woman with disdain or judgment. I will acknowledge her journey and her struggle with compassion and understanding. I will smile warmly and genuinely - especially at young girls, whose struggles are intense and only just beginning.
If I love myself fiercely in defiance of a world that tells me I shouldn't, I must also love others like me who are fighting the same fight. And I do.
You fucking go, girls.
